My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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