I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
