One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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