Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
