I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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