How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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