It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Couch. On fire.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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