i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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