they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
