i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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