your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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