Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
