i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Randomize
