I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
