i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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