We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
