I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
