i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
