mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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