Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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