My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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