Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
