its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
