Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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