Screwed.edu
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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