I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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