listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
