Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize