Michael Bay diarrhea
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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