i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
