I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
