i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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