So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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