Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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