someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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