I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
