Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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