That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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