I didn't shave. On purpose
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
