I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
