you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
