i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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