Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you will always have a special place in my vag
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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