Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
