quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
