Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
