I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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