You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
