Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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