shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Let's paint friendship bongs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize