her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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