I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my being single is dangerous.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
