I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We left the knife in your bed.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
