I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Don't make out with my wife yet
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
