Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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