Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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