Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
