just come out here and I will go home with you...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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