i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
