i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
