he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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