I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
