you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
