you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
