I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
