I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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