non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize